In this month’s series The Best Thing I Ever Created, photographer Zack Arias recalls the 2008 video blog post that brought his spirit back.
Photographer Zack Arias on What Brought His Spirit Back
There’s something about being an artist and being a tortured soul, or going through bouts of depression, or just living under the darkest cloud you can find.
I’m not saying we all make a lifelong commitment to live this way, but there is something about being a creative and having a looming dark cloud pester you from time to time.
For me, depression and self loathing/introspection sinks in during the winter. The weather sucks. Jobs are few and far between, which means finances get a bit tight.
There’s the whole “looking back” on your last year of creative endeavors and sizing them up to previous work, or worse, comparing what you’ve created this year to what others have done.
So-and-so had that awesome campaign. They got to go to this place or that. I didn’t get that kind of job. I didn’t get to travel to that place. I didn’t shoot as well as that other person did. On and on it goes. This downward spiral can, if we let it, get completely out of control.
My annual downward spiral was heading out of control in 2008. I was deep in my winter funk when I was asked to write a guest blog post for Scott Kelby’s blog. The last thing on earth I wanted to be doing was writing something about my life on a very popular blog.
I was depressed. My work sucked. I was just spinning my wheels in the mud. My father was in hospice care and was going to be gone soon. I should have said no to making the blog post, but I tend to accept any opportunity that comes my way if I can swing it.
I knew it was an opportunity to say something, but what in the hell was I going to say? “Life sucks. Meh.”
I started looking out into the photography industry to see what other photographers were saying back to us. I found a lot of happy, smiling faces talking about new gear, awesome clients, great travel advice for shooting jobs in exotic locations, and three tips or tricks on this or that. How to build successful businesses so you could have all the free time you wanted. Just buy this DVD. Just go to this conference. Just sign up for so-and-so’s newsletter.
Where were the photographers talking about the dark times? The depressing times? The times you just wanted to give up? What I was experiencing was more than burnout. We all have some level of burnout to deal with on a regular basis, but this annual funk of mine went beyond that.
I decided that the dark times of winter were going to be my topic, but I had no clue how to do it or what to say. I told everyone in my life that I was going to shut myself away in my studio for a week and “make something.” No one was allowed to ask anything of me other than being home for dinner and helping get the kids to bed.
I got a Flip Mino HD camera and a tripod and just started driving around Atlanta, shooting clouds and buildings and trees. As I stood in the cold, I was thinking about my work, and what I get to do for a living, and how really fortunate I am.
Even on my worst days, I have a pretty damn amazing life. What in the hell am I complaining about? Out of the billions of people on Earth, I get to do what I want to do most of the time. Being a freelancer is a stressful job; the most stressful job I’ve ever had, but I love it.
When one of my boys has something going on, I don’t have to call the boss and ask if I can have the time off in the afternoon to attend the function. Do you know how great that is?
On the flip side, though, I’ve had to call in Happy Birthday wishes because I was on the road and had no one to call to cover my job. All the same, if you have a place to live and some food today, you’re doing pretty damn good.
And I’m bitching about not getting to make a certain kind of photo like so-and-so did? Really?
I spent that week visiting with my dad, shooting stupid videos of stupid clouds, and thinking about what I would want someone to say to me. What do I want to hear? What do I need to hear right now? I need someone to tell me that they go through this crap too. That it’s okay. That you can sit in the darkness for a little bit. It’s all right. But eventually, you need to get your ass up and get to work and go make something.
So that’s what I did.
I wasn’t sure how it was going to be received by the industry I made it for. I was proud of that little video though, because it was honest. It was me. It wasn’t made for a client. It wasn’t made to impress anyone (other than my wife; I wanted to impress her with it).
I look back and think that it was the first real piece of art I’ve ever made. The reason I say that is because I released it into the wild and it took off. I was flooded with emails, blog comments, phone calls, letters, smoke signals, the whole nine yards.
What was really interesting to me was the stories people told me of what the video said to them. It was saying things to them that I didn’t put in there. Something about it allowed people to interpret something new out of it. That was amazing to me. That was the first time I’ve ever made anything that did that.
It was not only a cathartic process to make the thing, but it also really proved to me how not alone in the world I was. A lot of people started telling me similar stories about their creative lives. Not only did I connect with a lot of people, but it also ended up helping my career.
I was at the edge of the photo industry’s radar, and that video sort of dropped me in the middle of it. I had three book publishers asking me to write. I was offered speaking opportunities at schools and conferences.
I never once mentioned any of the crap I had to sell, but folks found it and bought it. I didn’t even have to mention it. It was life changing, to a certain degree.
Being honest with people = good things.
I still get down. I still scream and yell at those effing black clouds, but now I go out and make stuff. I don’t always release it out into the wild. Mostly I keep it to myself. I just make stuff. I take the darkness and I create something out of it.
The process of making things clears my mind. It gives me a fresh perspective on my life. It pushes me out of the darkness and into a healthier state of mind, to be able to be a husband, father, and business owner.
So, life sucks at the moment for you? Go make something. Be honest with yourself and others. Don’t be afraid to share it and show it. Then do it again. And again. And some more. It’s pretty awesome that we get to do any of this stuff that we do.
*Zack Arias is a commercial and editorial photographer based in Atlanta, GA. He’s married to Meghan and they have four boys ranging from 4 to 15 years old. Zack’s work can be found at www.ZackArias.com and his new photography and creativity blog, DEDPXL, will be launching in January of 2014.
License this cover image via Georgii Shipin.
